When It Doesn’t Work Out

My last blog post was back in July, a few days before starting my new job. Only a few days in and I was already questioning if it was a good decision. Sure I like being able to tell other people that I work there. But it was a struggle. I was in my dream office but the designation was, dare I say, a disaster. There were highs and lows. My self-esteem suffered at many points.

Good or bad, it was an experience that I learned a lot from. And now it’s time to move on to another journey. A journey that I have yet to determine.

Starting Over, Hitting Restart.

I’d like to believe it isn’t too late to start over. It’s not just about happiness, but about how everything works together. It’s about the right timing perhaps.

I will be starting a new job in the same building where I worked six years ago. Back then, the country just had a new president. Just like now. (Even the person I currently like is the same person I liked back then, are we all riding a time machine now?) The energy I had around this time in 2010 was quite similar too. Ready and motivated for training.

At first, this decision made me very anxious. I’ve been working for five years. Clearly, I should be aiming for a senior position. But no, it’s so much harder in this country. So when one of my dream organizations to work for got in touch more than a year after I e-mailed them my CV, I just had to shift my focus entirely.

Starting from the bottom may not be part of the plan originally, but I’m willing to work my way up. No time/room for comparison and regret here.

Aligning the options

I’ve been rethinking everything.

There’s been a lot of changes over the past couple of years. A lot of ideas, attempts, and falling outs in between.

Deeming it too inconvenient and maybe unrealistic, I dismissed the idea of a dream career.

But now, I’m rethinking it all. Maybe it’s because of him. I don’t want it to be because of him.

When I pursue something (again?), I want to be absolutely certain about it.

Failure

For the past six years, I have been waiting for this opportunity.

And I just missed it.

I can’t believe myself. I can’t believe my lack of determination and how it was so easy for me to let it slip away. What a letdown. This is definitely not the determined and hardworking self that I know.

It’s like I’m in the top two of the competition and I just quit. It’s as my dream was being handed to me but I just wasn’t there to receive it.

Maybe I didn’t want it enough.

Still, I’d like to believe that there is a reason for this. Maybe the breakthrough is near. It better be because I need some sort of redemption.

We Don’t Always Get To Choose

We don’t get to choose a lot things. We can’t choose when things will fall apart. When it happens, it happens.

We do get to choose how to handle things. But will it make the situation any better? Will it make a difference? Will it bring back a moment, a chance, a life?

All I know is that the universe knows how to balance itself. And maybe, everything does happen for a (good) reason.

After Almost Two Years

It’s been almost two years since my last post. I kept a physical journal last year, and I guess that’s why I didn’t use this. It’s good to keep an online journal so I can look back at it in the future. Being reminded of good things can be useful sometimes.

Last year, I quit my job and started a new one. It was not an easy transition. After almost four years in “The Office”, I was once again a fish out of water. It’s been nearly a year, but I still feel very new.

One of the best things I did last year was directing a music video. We all know that it’s quite close to the things that I really want. Seeing my ideas come to life (with the help of others, of course) was largely fulfilling. I was proud of my work. I have accomplished a lot of work-related tasks and I’m proud of those, but this was different. Maybe that is what “doing what you love” is like. The video also won the contest. I’ve never won anything via popular vote before. I felt like we won a Grammy when we stepped on that stage. It was a good experience that I will always want to remember.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the direction of my career. This is so important. It’s been a series of emotional and mental highs and lows. But despite all the distractions, I really believe that I’m closer to a breakthrough more than ever.

Unlikely Pairing

Unlikely Pairing.

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I really enjoy pairing Lays potato chips (original flavor) with salted caramel ice cream. A spoonful of ice cream first, followed by a piece of potato chip. Tastes and feels very balanced.

Another unlikely pairing that I have tried and surprisingly liked is banana and bacon. A bacon-wrapped banana to be exact. It’s weird. Both are good on its own, and together too.

Stumped

We had this thing a few days ago and I surprised myself by actually being there. I never liked being in situations where people would talk about their qualifications, professional experiences, educational pedigree and such. Maybe this is because this is not my ideal field to begin with. Or maybe because I wish I had something more to say.

It was awkward to say the least. I was unprepared, but ultimately, it was a good decision to be there. I needed the change in environment. And it was fun! I met some interesting people and actually skipped the usual topics. I have to admit that I woke up the next day thinking, wait..just how awkward was I last night?

It did make me think if it was another wake up call. Why am I still doing this? Well, for the money of course. And for the balance. I don’t want to keep on talking about the second best. The back-up plan. The whole my-original-dream-won’t-work-so-this-is-what-I’ll-go-after-instead thing. How I hate to be at this again. Knowing what I want is easy but the getting-there part is the hardest.

Yes, Sir.

I’ve never liked my name. And I know I’ll never be fully at peace with life til I learn how to accept it. It’s a, well, normal name but it’s way too common in where I live. Plus, it reflects nothing about my personality. I’m thankful that it’s not an offensive or blatantly embarrassing name, but it could’ve been so much better.

I typically go by my nickname (initials) unless I am forced to use my full first name. It’s funny because a lot of people assume that I am male upon seeing my name. When I was an intern, we had a meeting in which I was assigned as the contact person. Upon arriving at the place, the point person from the other party was looking for “Mr. (my name)”. I introduced myself and we just laughed at the turnout of expectations.

When I reply to clients, my e-mail signature states only my nickname because seeing my full name irks me no matter how hard I try to be unaffected. They respond, addressing me as “sir” or “Mr. (my surname)”. It doesn’t feel proper but eventually it becomes rather amusing. I think that I’d rather be mistakenly called “sir” than addressed by my full first name.

New Year, New (Blog) Direction

Hello.

It’s a new year, hence, a relatively new start for this blog. As you can see, I changed the name a bit. I want to spend more time putting things into this. When I created this blog, I had no idea what to use it mainly for. My thoughts are normally, well, too abrupt and fleeting to be actually put into a blog post. That’s why I use Twitter instead. Wait, I’ve said this before, haven’t I? I write on a physical journal too, so I tend to forget about this one.

So let’s see what I’ll be blogging about. I’ll think of this as a talking-to-myself-thing. I want to be more open.

Moving on, it’s only the twenty-first day of the year. I have a few plans in mind that I would like to materialize more than anything else. You know what, it’s so easy to get lost in a fictional world when reality offers so little. I’m wrong on the last part – reality offers a lot, but not to everyone. Not equally, definitely. You need to throw a few things into the sea to stop the boat from sinking. But hey, it’s all about perspective, isn’t it?

Let me now talk about something a little less non-specific. I am currently at home and sick with the flu. It’s probably because of the weather, but more likely because I caught the virus from our guests last week. And stress too. Bad timing. I want to go to work because we’ve got interviews this week. But I can’t really face those people in this condition. Also, it isn’t very nice to be out there carrying and most likely spreading the virus. I’m looking forward to a fast recovery so I can enjoy the weather, among other things.