“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, but I think I’ll end up going anyway. I thought everything was okay, but SHIT.”
“Last Saturday, I had to endure another day of boredom. It wasn’t so boring, but I would’ve had more fun if I just stayed at home.”
“I don’t want to go to school again tomorrow. But… For a change, some unexpected people have been a bit nicer to me lately. I don’t know why but I’m so not expecting that they’d continue being like that. Damn.”
“I think I’m just going to stay in my bed all day and study for my exams on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.”
“Some of them had wanted me to dye it blond though. LOL”
“It would’ve been better if I had just shut up last week about some things I think I’d rather avoid.”
“I feel like that I grew 3 years older ever since it all took place. But I guess it’s a training.”
“Then I practiced my Shylock monologue for tomorrow but ended up recording random songs (LOL) so didn’t really succeed in polishing up my monologue for tomorrow.”
“Maybe I’m just starting to realize and accept this ‘necessary tension’ that has been quite difficult for me to get used to. Or maybe I’m just delusional because of lack of sleep. When I wake up tomorrow, I’m not even sure if I’ll still see things this way.”
Whenever I’m bored, feeling nostalgic or just want a good laugh, I open my old LiveJournal blog and read my entries. I’m so glad that I didn’t delete that. Everything is so funny and angsty at the same time. I complained a lot about school, boredom, not wanting to go to school and wanting to do other things. I fangirled a lot about, it makes me uncomfortable saying this, K-pop groups and J-rock bands. Seeing the way I overused emoticons and necessary punctuation marks makes me cringe. My choice of words was so different. So angsty. I’m quite sure that I used to have a thing for using, well, words that I don’t typically use in everyday life. And profanity. See, I don’t even know how to describe it anymore. It was so long ago and reading those blog posts is like meeting an entirely new person.
There was also so much discontent and impatience. I was always saying things like, “I can’t wait for ___ to end” and “___ more months to go til ___ is over.” Not to mention, a feeling of hostility towards my immediate environment.
One of my blog entries was actually called, “and in the darkness my hatred thrives”
I realized the kind of imagery it brings to mind. Just to clear the air, I didn’t engage in self-harm and wasn’t completely socially detached.
Moving on, I am particularly amused whenever I come across things I can’t believe I wrote/thought of. Things that probably made sense before but sound so absurd now. Ah, I used a lot of code names for people I didn’t like in school. How typical, yes. I’m still trying to remember who they were.
It’s good to be able to look back at these things. They remind me that a lot of things were truly good back then (despite all the angst), and that I have indeed made progress in many ways.